The mysterious case of the clap

The mysterious case of the clap

The following thoughts are something I have been wanting to share for a while but haven’t really known how to start.

Last weekend I taught on a retreat and had such a wonderful group of women for a 90 minute Yoga practice. We moved through asana as we worked with the contemplation of what fullness (it was a full moon) means to them within the scope of Yoga practice. We considered the many aspects of Yoga, not just physical but emotional, energetic, philosophical.

When I teach, I feel like I am really careful to stay away from othering and hierarchy but I think that within a teacher led group session such as this there is a kind of automatic response to put the teacher on a stage, perhaps this stems from how we were taught to relate to our teachers and sometimes parents, or any adult for that matter, as children. And I’m not gonna lie but within the yoga community I have experienced this from teachers too when I have been in the position of student.

So when class was done and the energy was calm and still and we were saying our goodbyes, I was a little surprised to receive a round of applause. I mean, at the best of times I am not a fan of (most) compliments so I found it very hard to sit with this and it felt wrong for me to receive it. If you were at this class and your hands where clapping please don’t feel like this is in any way an admonishment, it is simply me trying to shift a little thinking and awaken some awareness.

I think I speak for many Yoga teachers when I say that students simply turning up and joining our classes is more than enough thanks. Teaching Yoga isn’t about applause or compliment or ego. As teachers we want you to experience the power of this wisdom practice and hope that it will help your state to evolve into a more joyful, connected and liberated one. We don’t want or need physical thank yous. On the other hand we can also resonate with having a wonderful time in class and wanting to express that gratitude for the moment….so how can we do this without othering ourselves or our teachers.

And here is where I am going to link this up to the thoughts I have been trying to put into words for a while. What is it to compliment and how could we adapt out compliment style to be less cringe inducing in the receiver and less othering in general.

Think for a moment on how you might choose to compliment a friend. You haven’t seen them in a hot minute and at your first meeting you feel an outpouring of love for this person that probably prompts you deliver a compliment. There’s a lot going on in these moments and it’s hard to regulate our thoughts and emotions sometimes, but with practice I think we can become more adept in our skills and create compliments that really land.

If someone tells me I look nice it makes me want to puke. I am aware that is partly a me thing but also it speaks to the superficial nature of that compliment. If someone says to me instead, “wow, that cardigan is so cool, where did you get it?” I still feel complimented, it was a choice I made after all, but the focus isn’t on my body. Whenever the focus is on my body I am deeply uncomfortable and I think that compliments on a persons body are outdated and basic. This isn’t to say that in conversation with a friend who is on a body recomposition journey you can’t include these things, when asked, but in situations where bodily opinions are unsolicited I think that they should stay put.

How about complimenting a person by speaking to how you feel in their presence

‘’ I have loved spending time with you today, I always feel so joyful after these coffee dates”

‘’I always feel so soothed when we hang out, I’m so grateful for our friendship’’

‘’I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life, I love our conversations and treasure them’’

‘’I really feel like I can just be myself when we hang out, I am so happy we get to do this’’

Or on their energy and presence

‘’Wow, mate, I don’t know what is different but you seem so happy’’

‘’It is SO good to be with you, I really mean that’’

‘’I know I don’t usually say stuff like this but I fucking love being your friend’’

‘’You know, I place such value on our conversations, I wish we could do this more often”

Personally speaking (As all of this is really) I know that to hear these kind of things would light me up more than something regarding my appearance. These things feel deeper and more thoughtful than the transient nature of comments of my hair or my weight.

To speak briefly to comments on weight…a general rule that I think is sensible to adopt here is simply don’t. I lost a ton of weight last year doing an expensive coaching thing that was a glorified crash diet and received soooo many compliments about the change in my size. It has ALL gone back on now but the echoes of those compliments remain, implying value in skinniness and beauty in taking up less space, I grew up in the 80s and 90s for fucksake, I really don’t need any more of those ghosts haunting me thank you! Also we don’t know the story of most people we might feel compelled to say something like this too. Sickness, hormones, eating disorders, trauma, the list goes on. Let’s just not.

And what about the compliments we give to the young people in our lives. My son is 13 now and he has grown like a weed. Literally EVERY time we leave the house someone will talk to us and say something in front of him, but TO me, like ‘’oh my goodness hasn’t he grown’’ and I can feel him squirm. He is as uncomfortable as me, and as a lot of people, at having comments expressed toward his body. I hate it, I hate to feel him so uncomfortable, so I diffuse the conversation and get out of there as quickly as possible. I know they mean no harm and I don’t want to upset people by saying anything to them about it even though I feel like maybe I should. We can do better.

This kind of comment is so othering and teaches kids that there is value in physical appearance. I just don’t think we need to do it at all. We could simply ask the young person how school is going, or what their favourite subject is and invite them into conversation instead of putting them in the spotlight not knowing how to respond. I see it first hand when someone talks to my kid like a real person, he is so much more comfortable and likely to enjoy and involve himself in an interaction instead of freezing and praying for a sinkhole.

When I want to compliment my son I might say something like…

‘’Hey buddy, lets hang out, you’re my favourite person to talk to’’

‘’I really loved how you were so gentle with that cat today, it was like you were reading their mind’’

‘’I want your opinion on this…..’’

I am a firm believer in asking my son for his opinion. That is a massive compliment in my books. To express to someone that you value their thoughts and judgement is huge, especially when younger people are so often overlooked or underrated with regard to their intuition and wisdom. Some of my greatest lessons have come from my son and I will definitely be getting him to proofread this before I publish it.

I feel like I could bang on about this for ages and if anyone wants to hit me up with a conversation about this stuff I am always open to hearing your opinions and insights and improving my way of thinking even more. I think the language we use is such a powerful way to consistently be in a state of intentional evolution. We can do it every day and we can always do it better.

To finish up, to speak once again to my opening lines, how could we express gratitude for a yoga class without othering or applauding the teacher? Here are some examples that students have said to me after class, perhaps not even meaning it as an intentional compliment that really ticked that box…

‘’I feel so relaxed, I don’t want to leave’’

‘’I loved that reading you chose, can you send it to me please?’’

‘’I loved the way you taught that pose, I feel like I really understand it now’’

‘’I will see you next week, put me on the list’’

It’s simple but our language is so conditioned that it is not always easy. But it is doable. I think it’s fun to try and do better, what do you think?

What are your thoughts on this, I would love to hear anything you have to share🙏